You Can't Make This Sh*t Up With Lindsay Luv: Two-Ply2 comments

Yesterday, while I was meandering the aisles of Duane Reade looking for the perfect two-ply toilet paper (yes this is what my days look like), I overheard my single favorite comment on Valentines Day by three New York women “OOOooohhh I can’t wait till Valentine’s Day is over because then the candy is 50% off!”

AMEN sistahs! I have been quietly ignoring this holiday designed to make 15% of the New York population feel good, and the other 85% of us feel like spinsters. Let’s face it, no one in NY under 40 is in a relationship. I mean we all have that like ONE couple friend that’s making it work, but in your 20’s in NY most people are single and looking to mingle…and then mingle some more..and then mingle their way into a bad case of Chlamydia — kidding.

Ok so I decided to poll through my friends, and I have a lot of friends (not “real” friends) but a lot of friendly friends, and I would say 5% were in a relationship this holiday, so I would say us Single Ladies are in good company. Now I don’t want this blog to sound bitter, I am usually pretty happy about being single. I meet tons of guys working as a DJ, I work weird hours, I’m very independent, I hate sharing my bed, I hate morning breath, really being single in NY DEFINITELY has its perks. But alas I also miss coming home to someone and bitching about how some cracked out DJ spilled his whiskey on the rocks all over my laptop, or how the barback pinched my ass.I even miss a stanky morning breath romp in the hay. So it’s a double edged sword, yet Valentines Day makes sure to rub it in your face.

Why can’t there be a Slutty Day? A day where you give flowers and chocolates to the multiple people you are dating and all the people you want to add to your roster. A day of drunk dialing and bad decisions. I think we need to balance this out because it is not fair to give a holiday to the 15% of New Yorkers who managed to bludgeon some poor unsuspecting soul into a relationship while the rest of us are flipping though our contacts, “oh Bobby! He was funny!”

I have also noticed suddenly people start looking at you funny on Valentines day if you’re single. For example, my ex-boyfriend started sending me old slightly sensual shots of us back in the day. Hmmmm someone is feeling the VDay itch methinks! Another hot guy friend I have known for 6 years told me “I have never been with a white girl and I’m thinking I want to try it with you!” Words of the heart folks.

And then this morning I woke up to a text from a guy friend (who has a gf) asking me if I have a Valentine. Which really is an underhanded way of giving me a backhanded compliment. This is how the convo went:

Him: Do you have a valentine?
Me: NO
Him: how can a sweet, smart, sexy, talented and special girl like you not have a Valentine?
Me: I don’t know
Him: Maybe you’re too picky, you’ll never know what is behind that moldy jagged rock

Now keep in mind the person telling me to give a “moldy jagged rock” a chance is also dating a Playmate. He also then told me it’s not all about looks. Ummmm, yeah!
So I think my singles ad should look like this “Single, sweet, smart, sexy, talented special girl DJ seeks Moldy Jagged Rock.” SUPER! I can’t wait to find this prize!

Let me also say that being a DJ is also the best and worst occupational hazard in dating. I had a date last night and had to leave him at like 8:30 to go work. Holding my 800lbs of equipment and trying to hail a cab was not exactly the right moment for a goodnight kiss. I also love the guys that I just started hanging out with that come to events where I spin, end up meeting other girls because I am trying to work. There is nothing like being stuck in a DJ booth and looking down at Johnny Douchewad making out with the cocktail waitress and not being able to bitchslap either of them because you need to mix in “Whatta Man” to “Faithfully”. I think he got the point.

My hours don’t help either. This guy asked me out last night and said let’s see a movie this week. When he asked when I was available I said next Sunday. Needless to say a week and a half in NY time is long enough for him to move to LA and become an actor. Alas, I need to find someone with a similar effed up schedule, so male DJ’s that can handle the fact that I might be booked more than you- I’m available! Add club owners, nightlife impresarios, and Johnny Insomnias to the list!

So my post or rant is about Valentines Day but I don’t want you to think I am sad, because I am not. I am happy that I haven’t settled for a moldy rock, but I am open to meeting one that may just surprise me. To all my single ladies out there, don’t worry, the candy is almost 50% off and the two-ply is soft on your asssss.

Xoxo,
Lindsay Luv